PureInsight | May 18, 2017
[PureInsight.org] The attachment of fear took over me once. I couldn’t keep up with Fa study and doing the exercises; my cultivation was neglected eventually. Sometimes I fell asleep doing the exercises with practice music on. I thought there was too much interference and the old forces might be very happy.
I extended my visa status at the Foreign Affairs Office normally. However, they suddenly told me to get a Chinese passport from the Chinese Consulate in order to extend my visa in the future. Under the insistence of the Foreign Affairs Office, I went to the Chinese Consulate three times, but still failed to get a Chinese passport. I knew I was in their blacklist and they wouldn’t do it for me.
However, why did this happen now? I looked inward deeply and found the attachment of fear. This caused me to complain about our fellow practitioners. My unwillingness to practice at the group practice site increased my attachment to laziness.
The practice time was 7:45 pm. Once, two people hit me from behind very fast during our practice and ran away quickly. None of practitioners there tried to stop or asked, but praised that my Xinxing was great with a thumb-up. I felt aggrieved because it was during day time and out of China, how could the evil dare to do it? Didn’t it mean we didn’t have righteous thoughts?
Thinking of an incident during Shenyun performance in a country. Six fellow practitioners’ cars were smashed. I fainted and was thrown under the car. The practitioners didn’t trust each other because of fear. However, I still stayed until the end of the Shenyun show. This time was not comparable because I wasn’t hurt. One more reason that I didn’t like to go to the group practice site because I was scared of walking in the dark. Some bad ideas also came out such as the evil spotted me and tried to kill me. A practitioner also told me the spy knew my name and address because I did truth clarification to them. Later I was told the people who hit me before went to our group practice site to destroy the banner of “Falun Dafa is Good”. Because of the attachment of the resentment to the fellow practitioners, I didn’t want to participate in the group practice. Plus I didn’t look inward and tried to hide my attachment of fear. I missed lots of Chinese people for truth clarification without enough righteous thoughts. The evil was rampant and magnified my attachments.
I told the Foreign Affairs Office that I missed Fa conference in US twice because the Chinese Consulate would not issue a Chinese passport to me. I also told them I have been in the black list of the Chinese Consulate since they persecuted Falun Gong 17 years ago. I haven’t been back to China because they couldn’t give me a Chinese passport. My Mom was 95 years old now and I was the only daughter. If Chinese government didn’t persecute the believers, I shouldn’t be in Germany now. However, they still wanted me to get Chinese passport.
I went to the Chinese Consulate four times and had to travel 8 hours each time. However, I still couldn’t get a Chinese Passport. I knew it was the old forces interfering, and to make me not able to save people and clarify the truth. I couldn’t concentrate on saving beings. Then I sent forth righteous thoughts and looked inward. My attachment of resentment was still there because I always thought it was other people’s fault. I hid my attachment of fear and wouldn’t like to share with fellow practitioners in case they said my diligent cultivation was not truthful. The interference between fellow practitioners and me increased my attachments of laziness and vanity. I couldn’t focus during practice. No matter who pointed out my shortcomings, whether my son or the fellow practitioners, I always looked for excuses. I didn’t want to lose face in front of my son or other practitioners.
One day, my son took my hands and said kindly, “Mom, can I tell you something? Whenever I pointed out your problem, you always find excuse. Master said ‘looking inward’. Since you already practice ten years, how come you don’t know how to look inward? You always look at others’ fault, not yourself!” My son really surprised me because he was a new practitioner and I had responsibility to help him. How could I help him with so many attachments? He was helping me in my cultivation. I told my son that I didn’t realize these problems before, but I accepted now. Thanks Master for leaving my son here.
I should look inward always to avoid the old force’s arrangement. After I truly found my attachments of fear, I felt guilty that I didn’t cherish Master’s mercy. Then I sent forth righteous thoughts to deny the arrangement by the old forces and eliminate my attachments. Later I found the guy who hit me before. I always wanted to do truth clarification to him. Without fear, I said calmly, “Do you know Falun Gong?” He didn’t respond me. Then I told him not to persecute Falun Gong by trusting CCP’s lie because he would destroy himself. He left without any words. I could tell he was scared but I got rid of the attachment of fear.
I did truth clarification actively again. Once, three Chinese students didn’t accept my truth flyer at the train station. I didn’t give up and clarified truth from Dafa’s spreading worldly to Tiananmen self-immolation hoax, from poisonous food in China to live organ harvesting from Falun Gong practitioners, how CCP officers retribution, etc. I said, “I am doing good for you here, you won’t have disaster if you withdraw from CCP.” The girl who refused to listen to me gave me a smile and said thanks! When I need to get off the train, they all said thanks to me. I felt they were like my family members. I felt happy but sad. Happy was because I came back to save beings again. Nothing was bigger than it. Sad was because my passport trouble wasted a lot of my time on the truth clarification and I missed saving several pre-destined beings. At that time, I was told by the Foreign Affairs Office that they would give me a ten years passport.
Master said in Fa Teaching at the 2016 New York Fa Conference, “The key is that Dafa disciples should do well the things you should do. But you are not even cultivating diligently, not cultivating seriously, or not really cultivating, and in the Dafa projects for saving people your human notions bring up your attachments, and you always feel resentful. What is your feeling of unfairness about?! Don’t you know what you are here to do?! Don’t you know how great your responsibility is?! Don’t you know there are countless beings waiting for you to save them? That is your responsibility! That is your promise! When you all do things together to save sentient beings, it is an opportunity and it is to create the conditions to save beings, yet you do not utilize it well. Don’t you know how serious a crime you will commit if you do not do the things Dafa disciples must do well?!”
I am now more aware about how important of saving beings for Dafa disciples. I also realized the only way that the old forces couldn’t persecute me was to cultivate myself well. No matter what I encountered from now on, I would look upon it as a good thing because it would be an opportunity to improve. I could eliminate attachments by cultivating myself according to Fa; otherwise I would have trouble. Self-cultivation and Fa study were very important.
Translated from http://www.zhengjian.org/node/158099