Disparities Between Two Practitioners

I.

[PureInsight.org] During the evening of December 29, 2001, after the Florida Fa Conference had drawn to a conclusion, I got on the bus chartered by Dafa practitioners from my area and headed back to the city where I live. As the night progressed, it started to get cold on the bus. I saw a black coat hanging on the back of the seat in front of me. I figured it must belong to one of the practitioners sitting in front of me, so I stood up from my seat and tried to borrow the coat. But I found both practitioners were asleep wearing their own coats. I looked around and saw people around me also having their coats on. I wondered, "Who on earth does this coat belong to?" Because I felt so cold, I could no longer restrain myself and put on the coat without carrying out further effort to find the rightful owner of the coat in order to keep myself warm. Besides, I figured the owner of the coat would wake me and claim the coat when he needed it.

Yet nobody came to claim the coat even when we were getting near our destination. So I returned it to the back of the seat. It wasn't until then that a Western practitioner (referred to as A from now on) asked me, "Veronica, would you please pass me that coat?" I was stunned to find out that he was the owner of the coat. During the night, I once opened my eyes and noticed a Western practitioner had joined our row and taken the seat to my second right. Except for a thin white dress shirt, he had nothing to cover his upper body while asleep. I thought, "Everyone else on the bus must wear a coat to keep warm. It is amazing that this man could fall asleep with just a thin shirt." Now that I had discovered the true reason why he had to wear nothing but a thin shirt, I felt embarrassed and said, "I'm sorry. I thought the owner of the coat would wake me up to claim the coat when he needed it. How come you didn't wake me up?" He answered in a peaceful manner, "It's OK. That's what it's for, isn't it?"

That was the first Falun Dafa experience sharing conference I had attended since obtaining the Fa (Law and principles in the Buddha School.) I began to ask myself, "When can I become as compassionate and altruistic as A? How can I attain the uncontrived kindness he had? Would I give my only coat to another person when I feel cold myself?

I have seen a lot of people who would "remind" others of the favors they have given, including trivial favors. These people would imply that those who have received the favors should remember the favors and return the favors in the future. This is what I call "barter favors," or "favors for trading." Such contrived favors used to disgust me a lot. But I did not feel A was doing a "barter favor," nor did I see a contrived message printed on his forehead that I had seen before in many fellow practitioners: "Look! Praise me! I am cultivating altruism." His altruism and compassion came out so naturally that I can describe it with a saying: "What is bred in the bone will come out in the flesh." (From The First Four Years by Laura Ingalls Wilder.)

II.

During the New York Fa conference in February 2002, some practitioners were selling yellow scarves embroidered with "Truthfulness, Compassion Tolerance" in both English and Chinese. Many practitioners from my area wanted to buy the yellow scarf, but they didn't see anyone selling them at the conference location. When I went to the opposite side of the Waldorf Astoria to send forth righteous thoughts with fellow practitioners, I found a box of such yellow scarves sitting on the ground. The practitioner guarding the scarves said that these were gifts for media reporters. But he finally gave in to another practitioner and myself, and sold a yellow scarf to each of us.

Later on while I was handing out flyers on the sidewalk across from Waldorf Astoria, a reporter took a flyer from me, and jokingly asked if I had an extra scarf for him. He slouched and looked cold because he didn't wear any scarf. I thought of giving him mine, and I felt that in accordance with the Fa, I should do so. But in my heart I really didn't want to give it up. Many practitioners couldn't find and buy any yellow scarf even when they wanted one. I ended up ignoring his plight and kept the scarf around my neck. I tried to ease my conscience by telling myself that, judging from his attitude, it seemed that he would probably discard the scarf after today.

I had a scarf that was embroidered with the words, "Truthfulness Compassion Tolerance," to keep my body warm, but my heart was colder than the cruel February weather.

III.

During the 2003 Midwest-U.S. Fa Conference, I met Western practitioner, A, again. This time A was one of the volunteer security guards for the conference. A was responsible for watching the area near the entrance of the conference room, which was the spot farthest from the stage. In other words, it was furthest from Teacher (should Teacher grace the event) as well as the giant projector screen showing the Fa conference live. Since A stood closest to the entrance, he could hear the noises of chatting from outside whenever someone opened the door. It had to be quite distracting. Many practitioners volunteered to be security guards with a selfish intention of seeing our Teacher at close range, but A's duty did not provide him any "benefit."

At one time as I was walking toward the entrance/exit, I saw A was relaxed, leaning against the wall with a benevolent smile. At that point I remembered a line from one of Teacher's poems titled "Enlightened Being" from Hong Yin:

Amidst greed and desires, no me,
After a hundred years, only me.

IV.

The local coordinator in our area was notified by practitioners in New York that the main conference room for the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference on April 20, 2003 was not large enough to accommodate everyone, so she asked if there was anyone who would not mind sitting in another conference room and watch the conference broadcast on the projection screen. I didn't volunteer. I thought, "In the last few Fa conferences, I didn't get a seat close enough to the stage and thus I couldn't see Master clearly. This conference provides a chance to make it up to myself. Why should I be the one to sit in another conference room?"

In the evening before the 2003 Washington, DC Fa conference on July 20, everyone had to draw tickets because the location of the conference was again not large enough to accommodate everyone and some practitioners volunteered to sit in another conference location. I drew tickets for a group of practitioners including myself, but I only got one ticket in the main conference location. A practitioner immediately asked me for that ticket and I refused. I thought, "I only have one ticket to the main conference location. Why should I give it to him?"

At almost every Fa conference, I always ran inside as soon as people were allowed to enter the hotel conference room where the conference was held in order to get a good seat. Because of my "relentless effort," I was usually able to get a satisfactory seat, but I always ended up listening to Teacher's Fa lectures with an anxious and uneasy mind.
After I took the seat, I always felt my seat wasn't close enough to the podium. Next, I would start to look around and see if any talkative practitioner was sitting close to me. If I found any such practitioner, I would grow uneasy, constantly worrying that they might talk while Teacher was giving the Fa lecture. That was not the only thing that bothered me. If I saw an empty seat in front of me, I would selfishly think, "should I desert my friends and go sit over there?" I was fully aware of my filthy thoughts, but when I saw some other practitioners having similar attachments at each Fa conference, I became reluctant to be the first to give up my selfish attachment to be closer to Teacher.

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Attending a Fa conference is often compared to a trip to "obtain the Buddhist scriptures." I must admit that I have failed repeatedly to obtain any Buddhist scriptures. I remembered the story of the Golden Buddha published on Clearwisdom.net. Practitioner A and I are both Dafa practitioners, and both try to obtain the Buddhist scriptures in each trip to a Fa conference. While A sought to obtain the Buddhist scriptures with reverence for the Buddha, I did so with a selfish mindset. How could I possibly obtain the true Buddhist scriptures?

Fortunately, there is still a short period of time left for me to make diligent progress on cultivation and get rid of my remaining attachments. I told myself, "Starting from the 2004 Falun Dafa experience sharing conference in Los Angeles, I shall stop being so selfish like before." However, when I booked my plane ticket online a few days ago, my selfish mind surfaced again! Originally I decided to let the automated ticketing system arrange for my seats for all four flights, but when I received my itinerary through email, my attachment stirred and I went checking my seats after all. I found my seat on the first flight was on the last row next to the lavatory, and my seat on the remaining three flights was located in the rear part of the plane. I immediately changed all my seats closer to the front exit.

After I finished rearranging the seats for my flights, a question suddenly came up to my mind: Have I done the right thing to change my seats? Moving my seats to the front rows means, likely, some other passengers would have to take those less desirable seats.

Then I remembered that the online ticketing system repeatedly failed to save my last change of the seating arrangement. Each time I clicked the "Save" button, the system would go back to the previous menu, and prompted me to: "Click to make seating arrangement." Because of my educational background in Information Systems Development, when I witness a "specific phenomenon of the Buddha Fa," I tend to try to rationalize it first before I remember that I am a cultivator and this might be a hint to remind me how I should behave like a genuine cultivator. When I saw I couldn't save my seating arrangement for the first time, I thought that the cause might be that another user might have reserved the same seat, except that his choice had not been committed to the database yet.

When I started to ponder whether I had done something rather selfish, I thought of footage from the 2nd episode, "The Spreading of Falun Dafa" of a nine-episode TV series, Let Us Tell the Future Generation, published by Fang Guang Min TV, a non-profit Chinese TV station dedicated to clarifying the truth about Falun Gong. In this episode, Ms. Zhang Qi, a Dafa practitioner from Beijing who has taken in over 20 Falun Dafa Nine-Day Fa Lectures, said that she once saw Teacher walking into the Wukesong Subway Station, and could not help following Teacher and observing him outside the class. When the train arrived, Teacher did not move towards the door, but let other people get into the train first. It was not until most of the people had flocked into the train that he stepped into the train in a very relaxed manner. While the majority of the seats had already been taken by those people who fought to get in the train first, there were about two to three seats left. If Teacher acted quickly, he would be able to get a seat. In this footage from a Falun Dafa experience-sharing conference, Ms. Zhang Qi said, "I am beginning to feel anxious for Teacher, but Teacher stood peacefully and did not show any intention of even checking the seats. Soon other people filled all the available seats, leaving Teacher as one of the few people standing on the train. My heart was overcome with aching respect. I felt Teacher was so different from us. A word appeared in my mind: righteousness. How could Teacher be so righteous? He is so righteous that it is almost incredible!"

Teacher said, "I have cultivated myself this way and carry these things with me." (From Lecture Six of Zhuan Falun) When I tried to get better seats, I was only thinking of myself and was not a genuine Dafa practitioner. Naturally, I was not carrying any righteousness like Teacher. I felt myself ill qualified as a Falun Dafa cultivator, and I felt ashamed for my selfishness. Of course it was not the right thing to do for a Falun Dafa cultivator. What a selfish thought it was to crave better seats! Sitting at the end of the row is hardly qualified as any hardship for a genuine Falun Dafa practitioner. A cultivator's ultimate goal is to eliminate her attachments. How can I be attached to better seats?

I had decided that, starting with the 2004 Western U.S. Falun Dafa experience sharing conference in Los Angeles, I would do none of such selfish things as fighting to get in line to get into the conference earlier, fighting for better seats, fighting to purchase Falun Dafa books, fighting to purchase clothes and accessories printed or embroidered with messages of Falun Dafa, fighting to take free souvenirs from the conference, fighting for the bed furthest from the bathroom in the hotel room that I share with other practitioners, and the like. However, before I even went out the door for the conference in February, I had already started to fight for better seats on the airplane, which I had apparently forgotten to put on my "not to fight" list. How can I carry such a filthy heart to see Teacher? How can I carry such a filthy heart to "acquire the Buddhist scriptures?"

I thought about going to the conference. But because I have already purchased non-refundable plane tickets together with a fellow practitioner and I must not abandon her and let her travel alone to Los Angeles, a city that requires driving to get around, I have but one choice --- to grasp the time for the end of February to continue to seek inward, study the Fa diligently, and let the Fa help me reinforce my righteous thoughts. There is a Chinese saying: "A true gentleman will not take advantage of women in the dark." A deeper meaning of this saying is that a person of high morality will persistently conduct himself with moral values, even when she is alone. Even though no one knew that I had changed my seats for better ones, I know it was a wrong thing to do as a cultivator and I feel I must honestly face my attachment. Otherwise, I would be cheating myself as well as cheating Teacher. The thought crossed my mind that it would be better to place my attention on more significant tests of my moral character, but almost immediately I knew I was making an excuse for myself. It is my heart that has been put to the test. Generally speaking, it is completely irrelevant that the test takes place during an earth-shaking event or in the middle of a daily task, for "what is bred in the bone will come out in the flesh."

With the 2004 Western U.S. Falun Dafa experience sharing conference in Los Angeles approaching, I decided to share this cultivation story and hope that no one would repeat my mistakes in cultivation. When I did such things as fighting for front row seats at the conference, my selfish actions stimulated some fellow practitioners' attachments towards selfishness. I hereby apologize for my past wrongs at the experience sharing conferences. I hope that all of us will cherish our final opportunity of cultivation.

Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2004/2/1/25617.html