PureInsight | January 30, 2006
[PureInsight.org] I was exercising a while back, and in a flash I had a series of small enlightenments, that altogether became a large enlightenment. I realized that judgment is behind my angry reactions.
I was raised to be an intellectual. With intellectualism, comes the mentality of judgment. I learned very early to be judgmental. People that have been judged or have heard judgments their whole life become the very thing they shouldn't. They become judgmental and I had become one of these people.
Only when I carry judgment would I have attachments to what others think of me. If I'm not judgmental, I don't care what others think of me. This mentality causes me not to listen. Preoccupied with judgments, I will not hear what another is saying.
It is my understanding that practitioners are not to be suspicious of one another. Judgmental thoughts have made me suspicious of others. When I didn't have a compassionate reaction to someone, it's likely I had judged them, knowingly or unknowingly. I'd then become suspicious of them. Suspicion will bring on a lack of trust.
When I am reacting and moved, its because I'm judging myself based on what the other is saying. Whether the person is right or wrong, when I hold judgment about myself, I would react and usually with anger. Some in these types of situations may react with numbness or indifference.
I have formed expectations based on my judgments such as thinking: "He's a good cultivator or he's not a good cultivator." Judgments take up a lot of my time and keep me stuck in some pattern or another. Basically this is what interferes with my work on projects and with cooperation.
I realized that only when I carry no judgment at all, am I unaffected and thus unmoved inside, which allows for my compassion to emerge. I have to stop the judgment period. It's not about stopping the judgment of someone or myself. It's universal. However, if I have no judgmental thoughts and then there is no problem, I'd be virtually unmoved.
For me it's often very hard to notice when I'm being judgmental and it's hard for me to rid myself of the attachment.
Shortly after having this insight I got into a conflict with a practitioner. I failed to recognize that I had fallen into a judgmental mindset once again. And when that practitioner became judgmental of me, I still did not enlighten to it.
I have seen it affect how I have been with my local practitioners. I have formed many judgments of practitioners and am seeing this more and more. It is an ongoing process of cultivation.