PureInsight | June 2, 2009
Experience sharing from the 2009 Canada Fa Conference
[PureInsight.org] I started to practice Falun Dafa in October 2004. My wife was already a practitioner. Prior to that, I had read Zhuan Falun and had done the exercises with my wife several times. However, I was too attached to fame, self-interest, and sentimentality and I didn’t really understand what Dafa was. My understanding of Falun Dafa was at the level of health and fitness. Although my wife had tried to persuade me to join her in cultivation, I kept putting if off because I didn’t think that I had any illnesses.
In 2004, I lost my bid for a much desired position during my company’s restructuring. I had no doubt that I deserved the position and I had worked very hard for it. But then it didn’t work out that way. When they announced that I would be staying in the same position and my subordinate would be promoted to the position above me, I was in despair. I felt I had lost face around people I know, and I wished that there was a hole in the ground that I could go into and hide. During that time, I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I was depressed and I felt that I could not face my friends and relatives. Then one day, I remembered a paragraph in Zhuan Falun.
“Yet one day this incompetent person gets a promotion instead of him and even becomes his supervisor. He will feel in his heart that it is unfair and complain to his boss and coworkers, feeling very upset and quite jealous.
I am telling you this principle that everyday people are unable to realize. You may think that you are good at everything, but your life does not have it. That person is good at nothing, but his life has it, and he will become a boss.”
This touched me a lot and I was no longer depressed. I picked up the phone and told my wife: “From now on, I will practice Falun Gong with you.” My wife was very happy to hear that.
And yet, my reason for practicing Falun Gong was not that pure. I thought as long as I do the exercises and read the book, that is cultivation, without realizing the profound Fa principles of Dafa. I slacked off as time went by. My wife was worried. She kept reminding me that I should cultivate myself well. But I just couldn’t be more diligent. I was holding onto my human attachments and at the same time, kept doing the exercises. During this time, Teacher also gave me hints and protected me, but I just didn’t enlighten.
I did not wake up until 2007, when I experienced a major ordeal. I decided to let go of my attachments and catch up with the Fa rectification. I realized the bountiful compassion of our teacher. He really didn’t want to lose even one practitioner. The following is my experience. I have written it down as a testimonial of Teacher’s grace and the magic of Falun Dafa.
In January 2007, there were opportunities in my company for our marketing staff to study in Canada. I was chosen by my boss to study in Canada, even though the study was not in line with my expertise. All my friends and relatives were happy for me. My family was very proud of me. The eight of us who were chosen by the company received four months of intensive English training in China. At the end of the training, we received our notice from the Canadian embassy to have a medical examination at a designated hospital.
So we went to the hospital for the check up. When they checked my blood pressure, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My pressure was 150/100. I have had annual physicals and I have never had this. So I asked the doctor to measure me again. But it got worse. I wondered whether the manometer was malfunctioning. But it seemed to work for other people. The doctor said, “You are a bit nervous. No need to measure it any more. I will tone it down a bit so it doesn’t affect your trip.” I just could not accept this result. I was very serious about my health. Other than doing the Falun Gong exercises, I was also swimming and playing table tennis daily to stay fit.
When I got home, I couldn’t sleep or eat well. My blood pressure was my biggest anxiety. I completely forgot that I was a cultivator. Teacher said,
“As true practitioners, we should look at issues from a very high level instead of from the perspective of everyday people. Should you believe that you are ill, this may really cause you to become ill. This is because once you assume that you are ill, your xinxing level will be as high as that of everyday people.”
“As a practitioner, if you always think that it is an illness, you are actually asking for it. If you ask for an illness, it will come inside your body. As a practitioner, your xinxing level should be high. You should not always worry that it is an illness, for this fear of illness is an attachment and it can bring you trouble just the same.”
I was studying Zhuan Falun, but I just couldn’t enlighten.
Since I was so attached to my health and thought about my blood pressure every day, whenever I had a chance, I measured myself. As a result, I managed to pursue my illness. I had symptoms. I was sick to my stomach and I found food repulsive. At times, I found my blood rushing to my head. My wife reminded me to let go of my thoughts of being sick. However, without righteous thoughts, I was miserable. How could I let go of it? During this time, I also studied the Fa and did the exercises and hoped to pass this ordeal. But I didn’t understand the principles well and I just wanted to be cured, so I never did elevate in my understanding.
A few days later, more symptoms appeared. I couldn’t take them any more and told my wife that I would like to see the doctor. It was getting close to the time to leave for Canada. My wife agreed knowing that I could not let go of my illnesses. That night, we went to the hospital. The doctor checked me and found nothing wrong except for my blood pressure. He suggested that I take an intravenous to bring it down. I agreed. But I was very nervous. I know that high blood pressure is permanent and one has to take medication forever. I was unhappy every time I thought about that. Half way through the intravenous, I had a bad reaction, and the doctor said that normally patients did not have reactions to this kind of medicine. But I was feeling really bad. I didn’t enlighten that I was a cultivator and I should not do this. Seeing that I was feeling terrible, the doctor stopped the IV and told me to come back to the hospital for a check up the next day. Hearing that, I felt even worse. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. The following day we went back to the hospital and found out that my blood pressure was still high. The doctor said that I had to take medication everyday. He gave me an assortment of medicine. My wife kept telling me to let go of my attachment and concentrate on cultivation. Although I promised her, I had too many things on my mind.
That night, we invited the local assistant to our place and we sent forth righteous thoughts, shared experiences, studied the Fa and did the exercises together. Everybody told me to let go of thoughts that are not righteous and have faith in Teacher and the Fa. Nothing bad would happen. When I placed incense in front of Teacher’s portrait, I begged teacher to strengthen me. Then a miracle happened. My blood pressure became normal for a few days. But my enlightenment quality was still low. I still felt that I had high blood pressure. Just as Teacher said in Zhuan Falun:
“There is another type of person. Someone was told in the past that he had spirit or animal possession. He felt that way as well. However, upon having it removed for him, his mind still worries about it. He always thinks that the condition still exists. He still thinks that it is there, and this is already an attachment called suspicion. As time passes, this person may bring it to himself again.”
Because I didn’t let go of self, my symptoms of sickness, fatigue and no appetite became more serious. As the departure date was approaching, I became more and more worried about my health. I could not cheer up, and didn’t even want to go. I wanted to get better at home and then go. Fellow practitioners all encouraged me to have faith in Teacher and the Fa. They said that this is the persecution of the old forces and we should not acknowledge it. I should just walk out and I would be fine.
With the encouragement of fellow practitioners, I left for Canada. When I got here, I started to have insomnia. At first, I thought it was jet-lag and I would get better after a few days. Then I was not able to sleep at all. I was sick to my stomach, had headaches and fatigue. I was not able to go to classes. I wanted to go back to China, but realizing that coming to Canada was an opportunity so hard to come by, I hung in there. Every day, I chatted with my wife and other practitioners online. They talked with me and encouraged me to maintain righteous thoughts. They reminded me that Teacher is always with me. I continued to study the Fa and do the exercises, however, because I didn’t get rid of my fundamental attachments and did not look inward, and was only pursing my own interest in the Fa, my symptoms just got worse. Then I went for another check-up and found that my blood pressure had gone up. This almost crushed me. I had very little righteous thoughts left. I would cry when I talked to my wife on the phone, feeling completely helpless in a foreign country. I had no interest in anything except wanting to have a sound sleep for just one night. I would rather have given up my well-paying job and go home. I asked the person in charge to purchase an airplane ticket for me.
And yet, my classmates managed to persuade me to see a doctor in the clinic at the university. I explained to the doctor what had happened and he said that he needed to watch me for a period of time. My classmates asked him to check my blood pressure. He refused because I had not been sleeping well and thus my blood pressure had to be high and I would feel more pressure as a result. My classmates insisted, so the doctor complied. At this time, I pleaded to Teacher to help me out. Surprisingly, my blood pressure turned out to be normal. I knew that Teacher had helped me. Really, I had no illness at all. It was my mindset. I should improve my character. So I cancelled my ticket and continued to study in Canada and cultivate myself well.
But my xinxing had not improved and my understanding was still at a low level. My blood pressure was normal, but my insomnia, headaches, and stomach sickness were not any better. After a while, I was depressed again and very miserable. Every day, I lived in fear and I was afraid of the nights and did not want to lie down in bed. I was about to collapse and didn’t know when this would end. Every day, I chatted with my wife on the Internet and complained about my misery.
My wife mailed me some medication for insomnia. I took it for a few days but it didn’t work. They said it was the most effective medicine available and it should work for me. So my wife mailed me a different medication. Then I realized that I should not take any drugs any more. If I cannot walk out of the ordeal with righteous thoughts and continue to practice, my life would not have any meaning. So I asked Teacher to strengthen me and not to let the medication arrive. With this thought, Teacher could see my determination. The medication never arrived. I continued to study the Fa and do the exercises and look inward, but I didn’t go very deep. Without finding my fundamental attachment, I was still feeling miserable.
Then my wife came to Canada on a visitor’s visa. We studied the Fa and did the exercises together and we read all of Teacher’s lectures and the articles on the Minghui website. I looked for my attachments one after another. I surprised myself: fear, seeking comfort, self-interest, competitiveness, jealousy, show-off mentality, and lust. I had never worked on any of those. They were the barriers in my cultivation. I was just an ordinary person, not any different. If a cultivator does not listen to Teacher and does not cultivate well, he or she becomes a target of the old forces. I enlightened. But then I had to get rid of it, too. I had to send forth righteous thoughts to get rid of the attachments and actually did get rid of them.
I had a good job in China. I was vice president of a company with two thousand employees, with good pay and benefits. I had an easy life. I should have used the opportunity to do the three things well, but I become too comfortable and lost in ordinary life. I spent a lot of time entertaining other officials and felt that I was very capable. My wife was worried and kept reminding me that I should focus on cultivation. But I didn’t take her seriously. I told her that I knew what I was doing. In fact, I was thinking to myself, “I don’t have any illnesses. I will make more money. I study the Fa and do the exercises regularly anyways. I won’t do anything that is bad.” I would encourage my wife to study the Fa and do the exercises, and I supported her to do the three things and I supported her donating money to the material production site and practitioners who needed financial assistance. As for myself, I read the Fa and did the exercises only when I had time. And yet, I kneeled down in front of Teacher’s portrait and burned incense everyday before I did the exercises because I was afraid that Teacher would not care about me anymore. Just as Teacher said:
“You do not have to worship a Buddha or burn incense. As long as you really practice cultivation according to the standard of a practitioner, Buddha will be very pleased to see you. If you always do bad deeds in other places, he will be disgusted to see you although you burn incense and kowtow to him. Isn’t this the truth? Genuine cultivation practice depends upon the person him or herself.”
My understanding was really shallow at that time. I regarded cultivation as doing things. My wife usually brought some Minghui magazines for me to read. I just picked and chose the articles as if I was reading a story book. I did not understand what Teacher said about Fa-rectification at all. I was lost in ordinary people’s life and was enjoying my very comfortable life. I could not deal with any trials and tribulations. I didn’t realize that this is a kind of persecution of the old forces. They just want to drag cultivators down. I thought I had a lot of virtue and therefore I was comfortable. When I realized this, I decided to negate the arrangements of the old forces. My wife and I decided to give up our life in China and stay in Canada, to break with our past and to get rid of our attachments to fame, self-interest and sentimentality, so that we could catch up with the Fa-rectification process.
The next attachment I needed to get rid of was my lust. I had a strong attachment to it and had thus received a lot of karma. I told my wife my darkest secrets so that they could not stay in my field. The pamphlet entitled, “Cultivating Hearts and Severing Desire,” by the Minghui website, touched the two of us a lot. We have since had a better understanding of lust. We realized that it was very important for cultivators to get rid of their attachments. So we decided to have separate bedrooms. Although we sometimes had sexual desires, we reminded ourselves that we were not ordinary persons and that we were cultivators. At the same time, we sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the rotten minions in other dimensions. It has been two years now. We have been living in harmony, with no problems.
The other attachment is my fear. I was so attached to my health and afraid that I would have any illnesses. Due to the fact that I have not been sleeping well, I was exhausted. At night, as soon as I lied down and closed my eyes, I felt as if my soul was leaving me. I was afraid that I would disappear if I closed my eyes. So I just kept my eyes open, and the more I thought about it, the more difficult it was for me to fall asleep. It was a vicious cycle. Then I didn’t think about my body any more. I forced myself to go to sleep after sending forth righteous thoughts at midnight and just close my eyes and leave everything to Teacher. Whether or not I was able to sleep, I got up in the morning at 6:00 to send forth righteous thoughts and then do the five sets of exercises. No matter how bad I felt during the day, I would do whatever I was supposed to do. I would not let my sleeping problem bother me. I had to start from my heart. When I was able to let go of my attachment, I felt much better.
Gradually, after studying the Fa systematically, Teacher opened up my wisdom and allowed me to enlighten to many Fa principles. I finally understand the responsibilities and mission of Fa-rectification disciples. I have established my righteous thoughts to be a true Dafa disciple during the Fa-rectification period. I will no longer hold onto my own attachments. No matter what, I will do the three things well and save more people and get rid of my attachments, negate the arrangements of the old forces and have faith in Teacher and the Fa. After 8 months, I finally walked out of this ordeal.
Now I am immersed in Teacher’s grace and cultivate myself. I will do my best to do the three things well and live up to the standards of a Dafa disciple during the Fa-rectification period.
Thank you, Teacher, for saving me.
Fellow practitioners, please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2009/5/21/59641.html