PureInsight | November 11, 2009
[PureInsight.org] Since childhood, I was a kind and good-natured person. Although, I wasn't a gentle and charming child, I was amicable and approachable. I also stayed away from people who were rude and rough-mannered. Unfortunately, I married a bad-tempered person. When he becomes angry, he doesn’t seem to care about anything and turns cold and arrogant. For this reason, I often became angry over the situation myself.
After I began Dafa cultivation, his temperament still made me angry. In the beginning, he always criticized me and got angry with me. Although I felt depressed, I still looked within. A cultivator should know that one has to pay back their debts. He has treated me this way, but how have I treated him or others in a previous life? Therefore, I must pay attention to my words and deeds. I suffered, but I endured it. He was narrow-minded and always got angry over trivial things. Actually, he has been my mirror to reflect my own narrow-mindedness and depression due to anger.
However, he still became disgruntled with me. When I became quiet, he would say I was aloof. When I remained quiet, he said I was dull and inarticulate. When I read, he said I was unsociable and eccentric. My good sense and gentle nature became shortcomings in his eyes. I suffered unspeakable misery, but I still looked within; I found I was opinionated and couldn’t take criticism. I continued to adjust my behavior and gradually I became less and less angry.
However, it was not the end of it. He still exhibited an indescribable anger and picked on me and looked for trouble. It was like looking for a bone inside an egg. One day, I became so angry that I almost went crazy and wanted to get a divorce. Why should I endure such insults?! I knelt down in front of Teacher’s picture and burst into tears numerous times for not being able to pass this test. Teacher hinted to me in a dream: I was living in a brand new very solid house with a big hole in a not-so-conspicuous place. Regardless of whether I was willing or not, I needed to look within. When I became calm, I looked within little-by-little, and gradually I was able to understand my actions more clearly.
I sigh with emotion recalling all of this. Nothing is accidental. I used to become depressed that I would become so angry over his anger. When I became angry, the demon within me would grow and cause resentment. The capacity of my heart thus diminished. I also liked to argue and I couldn't accommodate others. Is this the behavior of a cultivator?
I became less angry, but he still expressed an unjustifiable anger. Why? Now I understand: What is my understanding on each encounter and every thought? What is the standard I use for judging my behavior? Do I use the mindset of everyday people or use the standard of a cultivator to deal with things? Having an attachment to human thinking causes one to be trapped in its mindset. I suffered unspeakable misery when I became furious over something. The mindset of a true cultivator is not to just look at superficial appearances, but to truly look at one's initial mindset.
“You know what? Just on the one issue of cultivation alone it's so complex at the cosmos's lower levels. But it becomes simple at higher levels, where there's no longer any concept of cultivation but only the concept of karma elimination. At levels higher up, all troubles are to pave the way for ascending to Heaven. And at even higher levels, concepts like eliminating karma, enduring hardships, and cultivation no longer exist, and it's just a choice!” (“Fa-Lecture During the 2003 Lantern Festival at the U.S. West Fa Conference”)
As a cultivator, we should always demand of ourselves a higher standard. My husband’s unreasonable behavior offered to me a choice of whether I can enlighten from it. I am ashamed it took so long for me to realize the true situation.
I remember several times I became so angered that I felt that I was wrapped in a thick substance and could hardly breathe. When I calmed down and looked within, I found that the substance gradually dissolved and left me alone. I felt my whole body was transparent and my mind became clear. Where was the anger? I then realized that anger is a material substance that can tangle you up and take control of you. However, if you restrain yourself from becoming angry, it will not be able to touch you and will thus stay away. As the saying goes, getting angry is to touch anger. It really exists, but is not a part of you, depending upon whether you touch it or not. Whether one is moved by anger or gains control over it, is ultimately one's own choice.
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/zj/articles/2009/8/17/61112.html