Giving up the Attachment to Selfishness
Greetings esteemed Master and fellow practitioners!
It was almost two years ago when I lost my grandmother and my mother within two weeks of each other. It was a tough time for me and a disaster for my family, who were mentally trau-matized. I almost panicked when I got the phone call that they were trying to keep my mother alive for another couple of hours so I could say goodbye to her. This happened just after I had gotten over my grandmother's death!
I tried to pull myself together and almost shut down emotionally. Somewhere within me a single tiny righteous thought arose and the panic sentiment did not last long. My tears also disappeared shortly after. I wanted to let go of all my emotions and escape into the Fa. I held on to the one thought that I would not give in to emotion.
I immediately continued my work of translating Master's Fa into my native language. I did not move my eyes from the translation; I just translated as if nothing else in the world existed. When the call came that my mother had died, I cried then composed myself, sat down and continued to translate until I was too exhausted to continue.
After the translation was done, I felt empty, without any emotion. I was filled with righteous thoughts. Over the next days and weeks, I was able to focus on Dafa work and designing materials for Shen Yun. However, in the evening when I was not busy, dark thoughts entered my mind. Two generations were gone in the blink of an eye, and the bond to my homeland simply disappeared. That scared me, and I was filled with fear I had never felt before.
When such thoughts entered my mind, I immediately began to read Zhuan Falun until I fell asleep. It took me a long time before I could do the exercises again and sending forth right-eous thoughts were very difficult. Thus, I only studied the Fa. It was as if Master carried me in a giant hand through the most difficult times. Master and the Fa saved me. When studying the Fa, I truly felt the cleansing of my thoughts. Besides, it was most helpful to exchange thoughts with a fellow practitioner whose mother had recently died. We worked together on the translation of Master's Fa, and kept me grounded.
Dark thoughts and unhappy feelings lessened with time and I felt that I passed the most diffi-cult period. My confidence improved and I felt a noticeable lightness in my behavior. I used to be anxious and shy. However, I had changed drastically and could walk confidently through the streets. During projects, I cooperated better and had become more assertive.
I have translated Master's Fa for 15 years and am incredibly grateful for this task, a feeling that cannot be put in words. People criticize the translation because it doesn't flow that well. I often want to give up. I hate to experience offence and I often regard my personal feelings more highly than others’ opinions. I insist that what I’ve done is right and neglect to look within.
After a severe criticism of my second translation of Zhuan Falun about a year ago, I simply could not ignore it any longer. On the surface everything was fine, but I could not get off my high horse and accept the criticism. At night, I could not sleep because I kept thinking about the issue. I asked myself, “What should I have said? How should I have said it? How come people are criticizing?” I did not pass the test, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
Master said in Teaching the Fa in Canada, 2006, “At the last West Coast Fa conference, didn't I talk about how a lot of Dafa practitioners aren't able to take criticism? They refuse to be crit-icized. As soon as others say something they explode, get upset, or start a confrontation with someone. They want to hear only pleasant things. So you just want to walk a smooth path, don't you? You want to ascend to the heavens with your big load of baggage? Isn't that in essence what you want to do? You have to let go of all bad, human thoughts and every type of attachment you have. Isn't not wanting to hear criticism an attachment? You want to hear only pleasant things, but how could that be?”
When I read Master's Fa last year, I understood immediately that I had not yet given up the attachment to selfishness.
Most conflicts in my cultivation stem from my ego: insisting on my opinion, only paying atten-tion to myself, and not considering others’ needs. A practitioner who worked with me on the Shen Yun promotion even called me a rebel. I could not believe it, especially because I do eve-rything for Shen Yun without arguing. I feel that my opinion does not count when working on Shen Yun, and thus rarely speak my mind.
However, I had to admit that I have my opinion. Although I kept it to myself, I complained in my heart. It came as a shock to me when I realized that this practitioner spoke the truth. I truly never thought about the needs of others and showed little forbearance. On the surface, no one could see my thoughts, but I held thoughts about everything.
My first thought was that I do everything I’m told, so what else is there for me to do? Then, I looked at it based on the Fa and remembered Master's words in Zhuan Falun.
Master said in Zhuan Falun, “It is an ordinary person’s motto that one should live to prove one’s point or save face. Think about it, everyone: Living to prove one’s point or to save face—isn’t it tiring? Isn’t it painful? Is it worthwhile? Han Xin was an everyday person after all. As practitioners, we should be much better than he. Our goal is to rise above and beyond the level of ordinary people and to strive toward high levels. We will not run into that situa-tion. Yet the humiliation and embarrassment that a practitioner endures among everyday peo-ple are not necessarily easier than that.”
After an intense look within, I realized that I have to cooperate better and follow others’ opin-ions without any prejudice.
Since then we cooperated very well with each other. I just took a step back and left the deci-sion to my fellow practitioners. It was an important process from deep inside me and not just on the surface. I realized that the result is not important. What is important is that one culti-vates in the process and takes things lightly. From then on, the other practitioner who called me a rebel was nice and shared with me. I was incredibly grateful.
I always remember the word humility, and also often feel it. I am very grateful that Master gave me a second chance, so I could pass another test.
Please kindly correct me if my thoughts are not based on the Fa.
Thank you Master! Thank you fellow practitioners.
Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/node/155666