The Feeling of Being Hurt Exposed My Own Problems in Cultivation Practice

Xinyu, a Chinese Falun Gong Pr

PureInsight | June 6, 2005

[] On January 2, 2005, Falun Gong practitioners in Japan gathered together in different locations to study the Fa and exchange cultivation experiences. I have not done any outdoor truth-clarification work for about half a year because I had been writing articles at home to clarify the truth about Falun Gong. I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for me to reunite with my fellow practitioners, so I took my one-year-old son and my four-year-old daughter to the group Fa study. Little did I expect that I would encounter a conflict that exposed my problems in the cultivation practice. Now I realized that Teacher had arranged a conflict to occur at the most unexpected moment to catch me off guard. This experience reminded me that I should cultivate benevolence more and rectify my daily speech and actions.

Truly, conflicts occur at the most unexpected moments. I was embarrassed for arriving at the group Fa study late. I felt even more embarrassed for making the most ungraceful entrance because I carried two small children and a couple of bags stuffed with my children's things. Because the place was very crowded, I had no choice but to sit on the passageway temporarily and wait for the break to move to a different location. However, as soon as the host announced the break, I was told to remove my bags from the passageway to avoid blocking the traffic. While I was trying to remove the bags from the passageway, the children asked for things in the bags. I began to feel very anxious and impatient. As soon as I put the bags away against a wall, a fellow practitioner told me it was improper to put my things right below Teacher's portrait. I immediately removed my bags and looked around to find an available spot for these bags. When I put the bags on the new spot, I decided the bags might block the traffic, so I picked up the bags for the third time and tried to look for a more appropriate place to store them. While I was trying to leave the crowded spot, I accidentally walked over a fellow practitioner's bag. I was sure that she had seen my embarrassing situation of having to watch two small children and putting away multiple bags at the same time, and knew that I hadn't walked over her bag intentionally. But before I had the chance to say, "Excuse me," she said in a very reproaching, cold voice, "You shouldn't walk over people's bags because most of the bags have Falun Gong books in them. It is disrespectful to the Fa to walk over the Falun Gong books."

I felt as if someone suddenly poured a bucket of cold water over my head. How could she be so cold, unforgiving, and unfeeling to my misery? I was just trying to put away my bags so that I could return to my unattended children. It was an accident that I had walked over her bag. On the other hand, I could not defend myself for I know each Falun Gong practitioner must have several Falun Gong books in his/her bag. I felt unwelcome and somewhat bullied. I quickly found a corner to put away my bags and began to sulk.

Soon a fellow practitioner who had came with me called to me and told me to move my bags and my children to where she was sitting. "This is a sunny spot. Your children will feel warmer here." After I sat down, a fellow practitioner sitting next to me hurried to move her things away so that my children and I would have enough space. I felt very touched by her kind gesture after having just been hurt by another cold, unfeeling practitioner. I didn't have time to analyze my emotional ups and downs, but I knew right away these unexpected episodes must have something to do with my cultivation.

When I heard the first fellow practitioner reproach me in a cold, condescending manner, I felt more than being hurt. I also felt very angry. I thought I was entitled to condemn her for her contempt and for her lack of compassion for my embarrassing situation. I thought I was entitled to feel hurt and sulky. But I had completely forgotten that these strong emotions had exposed my attachments. If I refuse to seek inward for my attachments, I will be literarily giving up my cultivation practice and failing Teacher's expectations for me.

I managed to calm down and asked myself, "Have I ever behaved like the cold, unfeeling fellow practitioner before? Have I ever been as overbearing as she was, criticizing and reprimanding fellow practitioners condescendingly 'for the sake of their best interests and for the sake of Falun Gong?' Have I ever thought that those who I had harshly reprimanded must have felt terribly hurt?" The answers must be yes; otherwise, I wouldn't have experienced such a humiliation. I continued to search inward and I suddenly remembered that I had been criticizing and reprimanding my husband (a non-cultivator) in the most condescending manner for the past few days as if he was a small boy. I had been just as overbearing toward my four-year-old daughter. Whenever I found a fault in my little girl, I would be very upset and make her correct her mistake "right away." When she failed to meet my expectations immediately, I would become vexed and repeatedly reproach her by quoting Teacher's words until she agreed to correct herself or make remedies. I would even try to make her feel bad and guilty by telling her that she would be a disgrace to Falun Gong and sabotage Falun Gong's reputation if she did not improve right away. But I seem to have a more relaxed standard for myself. I am entitled to be less than diligent in my own cultivation practice. I fail to treat others, especially my family, with kindness. When others fail to meet my own notions or expectations, I feel vexed and disgusted. I use the excuse of protecting Falun Gong's reputation to justify my abusive speech and behavior. Now I suddenly realized that I had been exceedingly forgiving to myself and most unforgiving to others. I have become a "supervisor" of fellow practitioners. If I had behaved like the second fellow practitioner who kindly gave up her seat for my children and me, I wouldn't have been quarrelling and verbally abusing my husband and my children. I am even worse than an average non-practitioner who is respectful and affectionate toward her husband. I have even repeatedly condescendingly reprimanded my husband in front of the children. Suddenly I felt very ashamed of myself. I said to Teacher at heart, "Your disciple now sees her flaws. I will be kind and affectionate to others from now on."

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