PureInsight | November 12, 2013
[PureInsight.org] So much has happened in a few weeks, I hardly know where to start. Over the last few months I have been having a very testing time with my ordinary job, Dafa projects and studying. I have felt like I needed to slow down and have a break but never seemed to find it and just kept holding on, like trying to stay afloat through a sea storm. Pressure from every angle was slowing wearing me down and my cultivation was starting to slip, I was becoming angry and frustrated with pressure at work and anxiety from coming home to more pressure and intensity at home. The longer the time went on the worse it was becoming. The thing I held onto was that I would be off for a week to help fellow practitioners at an event over a weekend followed by a week to help out at the Cardiff art exhibition.
At the Art of Zhen Shan Ren exhibition in Cardiff
After a good weekend staying with a family of practitioners and doing one of the things I love most, making flowers with children and adults and clarifying the truth as well, I moved onto to Cardiff. I have found train trips a great chance to sit and read or listen to lectures, though I do not have the courage yet to clarify the truth to people on the train, for me, I feel that time is given for me to study the Fa.
Cardiff was a wonderful opportunity for me to work with fellow practitioners. I feel quite isolated at time in Penzance as I am far from all the activities and from groups of practitioners, so being able to come and help at events like this is a true joy. I have been cultivating for three years but this was my first time staying with so many practitioners and working with so many. As we set up the exhibition I could feel everyone pulling together and harmonising, there was little need for organizing as we all found a job to do and worked smoothly together. There was smiling and laughter at times. As the paintings appeared in their places I could feel the burdens that had been building over the last month melting away. Lightness of heart and strong righteous thought filled my mind; it was a deeply cleansing time. I started to develop a sour throat, which I saw as a good thing. Through the day we split up, some in the gallery, others outside leafleting, due to my sore throat I did not think it wise for me to be in the gallery and other were keen to be outside leafleting. To help them I found my place sending righteous thought, the practitioners handing out leaflets, gave us feedback on the first day, saying that as the day progressed they were finding it easier to give leaflets out and more people were coming into the gallery. It was a real boost to us all, in the evenings we read together and in the mornings we did exercises together. It was a precious time and I was sad to leave after only a few days, but I had felt things shifting in me and strength had been growing inside.
A fractured ankle reveals many attachments
I stopped off at a practitioner’s house for a day before heading home, and her and her husband (a non-practitioner) took me out for a walk. On our way back we had to go down a very steep slope through a wooded area, at one point I slipped but didn't fall, it was more like surfing down on mud, which made me feel quite amazed with myself, next step is when I fell onto my left leg, I had no feeling of worry just got up and tried to walk, as we still had quite a distance to go. My ankle only felt like I had twisted it slightly so hobbling along we continued, and the pain got worse, not long after that we had another slop to go down, this time I was careful, moving from one small tree to another as not to fall, but I fell again this time my left leg going forwards and lightly bumping into a tree bending my foot upwards. My righteous mind didn't hold out this time, I thought “I've definitely done something this time” my foot was very painful; I could hardly put weight on it.
On the way back in the car I sent out righteous thoughts, I felt heat surround my foot, not painful, just very warm and soothing. After sitting down back at the house, my foot had swollen; my ankle had swollen to the same width as my foot. There was no question of me going home on the train as I couldn't walk at all on it. Even though it had happened I was very happy and bright, it hadn’t fazed my thinking at all. In fact, I found it quite funny, which helped put the others in the house at ease. I took it to mean that I wasn't meant to leave just yet, and it gave me and the other practitioner a chance to share and read together. With no change in two days my family was growing concerned, both my parents where nurses, also with the practitioners husband was also concerned, but still I was very firm in myself that it was fine. But I soon realised that this was showing my stubbornness and my attachment to not asking for help even when I need it. When I could see that the only way I was going to get home was to get crutches we decided the next day to go to the hospital. That night, for the first time I felt pain right on my ankle bone, a strong pressure pushing with strong heat, it felt like something was pushing really hard on my bone I could feel Falun spinning. On the morning of going to the hospital, my swelling had gone down a bit and we could see the bruising appearing.
See this as a great opportunity, as we waited at the hospital the other practitioner handed out leaflets about DAFOH (Doctors agents forced organ harvesting) to people waiting, nurses and the doctors, whilst I sent righteous thoughts to them. It was a very good and strange day. When I finally had my x-ray done and was back with a Doctor, I was told my ankle was fractured but had only moved by 1 millimetre, yet they were still considering operating. I found it very puzzling and humours as though it wasn’t really happening to me. Both me and other practitioner felt a similar feeling. I could tell this situation was sent to test the both of us in different ways. In the waiting room my head at gone over all the other times I had been into hospital in my early teens, for one reason or another. It was unsettling to begin with but it melted away. We were told to come back the next day and they would tell me what would happen.
The two of us both decided this was just an opportunity to get into the hospital to clarify the truth to them. The next was quite simple, a different doctor again saw me, I don’t think I was seen by the same doctor at all which was Master’s arrangement as they all leaned about organ harvesting and were very supportive. No operation was needed just put into a cast and off I went.
I ended up staying at the practitioner’s house for 2 weeks longer than planned. I enlightened to so many things in my time there. Learning to be careful about what practitioners should say with ordinary people around and being respectful to their environment as well, learning to balance to two sides, ordinary things with Dafa things. Attachments being shown, stubbornness, fear of showing weakness, being a burden to others, learning that by body is not indestructible but it is my will that needs to be strong. These are just some of the things that showed themselves at this time.
My being there also gave opportunities; the other practitioner was freer to help with the exhibition, as they owned a dog so I looked after the dog when the practitioner and her husband were out. We were able to share our understandings on things and give each other different perspectives, helping us both to enlighten to things and work through difficulties. I was a very special time, which we both cherished and although we both wished I could stay longer, I did have commitments at home as well as my parents wanting to see me. I should mention my family was also amused to hear of what I had done, when I was little; I always seemed to be “in the wars” so they just laughed and took it lightly.
Back in Cornwall
Being back at home, in a house by myself as the practitioner I live with is away for a few weeks, has been very testing. I have also felt the great compassion of other practitioners, who have shared with me and supported me through this time; it had helped me to feel part of the “one body” and really connected with everyone. This is why I wanted to write this sharing, although it is very long I felt it was needed.
One of the biggest tests for me, as weeks have gone on, is the feeling of weakness and loneliness combined. It brings up very deeply rooted ordinary notions of “wanting someone” it has been like a ghost haunting me for a while, but being like I am for a long period of time has been wearing me down. I shared with a practitioner and as I did it melted away with each word I wrote, I couldn’t help crying with relief, a burden on my heart had melted away and I felt alive and awake again.
The practitioner had highlighted, at the time, about repeating old patterns which I am now seeing have started to try repeating on me again. Being unable to move around and go to the shops, due to my house have hills to walk up to get to shops, my parents have been taking me out and it came to me today, of just how negative ordinary people can be. I’m sure this is part of my cultivation as I have most contact with them at this time. By letting my righteous thoughts relax around them, the negativity that they produced triggered negative notions in myself feelings of worthlessness... it’s roots go, I feel go right back to childhood or even to a previous life, as it keeps repeating on me over and over. Each time I dissolve more of it, like master has pointed out in Zhuan Falun.
Through these “battles” within myself, I am shown how strange I am as I have never given up, and each time the thought comes up my will bakes it down like a bright beam of light cutting through the darkness. I know Master’s Fashen stand with me as long as I hold firm.
I fell that in these last few weeks, and I see that the fractured ankle, were arranged by Master to help speed me on my cultivation, almost like doing a year’s worth of cultivation in a few weeks, to keep me up with everyone else so I don’t fall behind the “one body”.
Everyday since my fall, I have felt changes happening in my thinking and inside my body. I have had little pain and keep reading daily and doing as best I can with the exercises. I am taking this as an opportunity to improve myself and see that I have been given this time and space in which to do cultivate and dissolve attachments.
My deepest thanks to fellow practitioners and our most compassionate Master.
These are only my limited understandings, please kindly point out any misunderstandings.