Digging Out My Jittery Heart

A Dafa Disciple

PureInsight | August 4, 2013

[PureInsight.org] My annual job evaluation was again about to start, and I was very anxious and bothered by it. Though I did not talk about it, my mind was in a huge knot. Those who had similar conditions as mine pretty much all already received high level positions. When I returned home, even my wife said that I was useless and incapable. In my mind I thought: it’s just that I’ve learned Dafa [and do not care about fame and gain]. Otherwise, based on my conditions, I would have obtained a high-level position a long time ago. My colleagues would from time to time give me pointers: You have to strive. If you just wait for nature to take its course, then you can’t count on anything. Hearing these words, I felt pained inside.

Gradually I realized that my heart wasn’t right. Why was I comparing myself to others? What am I doing? After looking inside, I realized that I had too many human attachments. I had attachments to reputation, personal gain, competitiveness, and an extensive dependence on ordinary people—I had always hoped that my colleagues would help me out a bit in order to help me earn more ‘points.’ I had always thought that normally I treated everyone well, so someone would definitely help me with a favor as small as this, right? Generally, people acknowledged me, but during critical times nobody would pay any attention to me, and I began to complain in my mind. My heart of resentment contradicted the good words coming out of my mouth. Double faced, my complaints grew into a heart of hatred. Where was my cultivator’s demeanour? Motivated by the pursuit of power, am I not the same as an ordinary person? If my work colleagues helped me, would I still have these attachments? I was so selfish. I realized that it was my concealed attachments to personal gain that were leading me to resent and struggle. Where were my compassionate thoughts? How could I talk about saving people? I thought of Master. At that time, if Master also had these human attachments while facing students with heads full of fame, gain, emotion, and lust, would He still not mind taking the trouble to teach us the Fa? Would He be able to save us? Would we have what we have today?

Looking within, I saw my filthy human attachments. I used to think that I treated everyone very well. However, upon reflection, did I really treat everyone well? If I had really attained the realm of letting go of self, wouldn’t the outcome be different? Writing to this point, I am blushing with shame at my thoughts. Time has already reached the point where Fa Rectification could end any minute, yet I am only at such an average level. Writing to this point, my attachment to personal gain suddenly weakened considerably. I know that it is compassionate Master that eliminated it for me. I will calmly let go of it during this year’s job evaluation.

Thank you Master!

Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/node/118846


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