When My Heart Was Disturbed

Dafa Disciple in Mainland China

PureInsight | June 7, 2013

[PureInsight.org] I used to have low self-esteem. After the Tangshan City earthquake in 1976, my face was left deformed and I dared not look others in the face, fearing they would laugh at me. Since then, I avoided showing myself off in front of others. I liked to sing, but never tried to attend performances or contests organized by my school. Nonetheless many classmates still laughed at me and humiliated me—with some even calling me humiliating nicknames. That deeply hurt me, making me less confident. The only relief I had was my good grades at school, for which I earned the respect of my teachers. They often gave me opportunities to answer questions or asked me to write down answers on the blackboard, however because of this, those students who usually laughed at me were even more reckless. That made me very upset.

It was like this all the way to college graduation. It was not easy because others always looked at me strangely and I had a very low self-esteem. Although I wanted to succeed and did not want to fall behind, there was nothing I could do to change this. That was why I felt bad. Whenever someone humiliated me in front of others, I always felt hurt. Sometimes I would wonder why it was my fate that the deformation had brought me such a miserable life. For those who laughed at me in public or privately, I hoped for revenge one day.

Fortunately, I began to read Zhuan Falun in 1995 and have been practicing since then. With the depression and hatred removed, I was very relaxed. I spent a lot of time studying the Fa. My mind was purified and it seemed nothing could upset me. I felt most fortunate and began to have a smile on my face.

However, cultivation is a long process. On the surface, the attachment was removed, but deeply buried human notions still existed. If someone yelled at me, I still felt very bad.

In Zhuan Falun Master said: “But normally when a problem arises, if it does not irritate a person psychologically, it does not count or is useless and cannot make him or her improve.”

There was such an incident recently. Before the Chinese New Year, my employer gave some rice and vegetable oil to employees. A coworker asked me to pick up her share since she would not be at work then. However, the person who distributed the oil made a mistake and misplaced one bottle. He thus wanted to deduct one bottle of oil from me. I did not agree and still took the vegetable oil as other people did. When I looked back upon leaving, I saw him talking with others about this. He was furious and other people were also looking at me. It was similar to what Master said in Zhuan Falun: “Accordingly, his mind cannot get over it and is still bothered by it. It could be that his mind is hooked on it. He always wants to turn around to look at the faces of those two people. Upon looking back, he sees the two wicked-looking faces in a heated conversation. He can no longer take it and becomes very upset. He may even pick a fight with them right away. ”

I studied the Fa for two hours that evening, but could not calm down since I was still thinking about this. As I looked within, I knew it was not due to that person or his words, since he was not around me. All of the disturbance came from myself. Because my self-esteem was hurt, I felt bad. I needed to recognize that the sense of self-esteem was not part of me.

Thinking this way I felt better, and when thinking about things further, I realized it was actually a good opportunity for me to improve and I needed to thank that person. In fact, the person I needed to thank the most was Master. Master has done so much for me to improve by letting go of all degenerated notions. I need to cultivate more diligently.

Translated from: http://www.zhengjian.org/node/116552



Add new comment